When I see articles titled, “How to Stop Yelling” I become very curious…

For years I was told to STOP YELLING and it never worked!  No matter how hard I tried to hold it together, before long I would find myself yelling again and feeling even angrier about the thought that I’d never change.

Maybe you can relate!  As we look forward to the New Year, many people might like to STOP YELLING as a goal toward living a better life.

Over the years I have found that there are some surefire things that have indeed helped me yell LESS, but the truth is I’m not sure if I will ever really STOP YELLING!

In order to really “stop yelling” it is essential we develop some new patterns of behavior and that takes time.  The good news is that it’s not too late!

10 Surefire Tips for Permanent Change

Tip #1:  Notice the judgement.

Why is it that we are so hard on ourselves as moms?  When I yell at my kids or hear another mom yell at her kids my instant reaction is to judge.  Thoughts run through my mind like, “Why am I still yelling?”  “If I was a better mom I wouldn’t have to yell.”  “Wow!  That mom needs to get a grip.”

It’s like I’m not as good a mom as another mom because I yell and she doesn’t.  Well that’s just not true.

Immediately after you yell how do you feel?  What kinds of thoughts run through your mind?  Are you even aware of what you’re thinking?  Becoming aware of my thoughts about myself or other people who yell was one of my first steps toward change.

One thing that has really helped me yell less is to catch myself thinking those judgmental thoughts about myself and others and choose differently.  When I notice my thoughts and recognize that they are creating feelings of guilt or self-righteousness I can do it differently.  Now, I can calm myself down and think differently.  I can replace those judgmental thoughts with something like, “I need to slow down and take a break” or “She must be overwhelmed.”

Tip #2:  Recognize you’ve been triggered and take ownership of your upset.

It is not your child, traffic, or your spouse who is making you yell.  Yelling is an automatic reaction to your own upset.  When you were a child, you were told to stop yelling or change your tone, but no one ever taught you how to do it differently.  Recognize that you are stressed by your lack of control over the situation and choose to exercise  self-control.

Tip #3:  Create some space

Part of breaking the yelling habit involves creating a new habit.  One thing that really helps me is to walk away.  If I can’t physically leave a situation, I will create space  mentally by taking some calming breaths and helping myself deescalate the situation.  This gives me time to calm down so I can get new perspective and problem solve.

Tip #4  Adjust your expectations

I have always had really high expectations.  A part of this journey has involved learning to adjust my expectations and move into situations with more acceptance of what is rather than what I think it should be.  When I accept things as they are rather than trying to force my will on the people or  situation and trying to make it change to meet my expectations, I find I am much more happy and calm. (And so are those around me)

Tip #5  Remember, you’re not alone!

I travel a lot for my job and I talk to lots of women.  The more open and honest I am about my struggles, the more open and vulnerable others  are.  Guess what!  I’m not the only one who yells!  Lots of women yell and just the fact that I’m not alone really does make it better!  This is a universal struggle and although that doesn’t make it okay, it validates the fact that  I’m not alone.

Tip # 6:  Get some accountability.

The key to changing behavior is to develop new neural pathways.  That happens through relationship.  It is super helpful to find one or two people who are willing to walk alongside you and encourage you as you try to kick the habit of yelling.  My friend Tammy over at Infuse Coaching is offering some coaching and accountability.  If you would be interested in someone to help you throughout the year as you continue your journey toward change contact Tammy!

Tip #7:  Focus on what you want rather than what you don’t want!

Why does it matter if you yell or not?  For me, the reason it matters is because I want to be have control over my response to the people and events around me.  I want to be my best self and I know that when I am yelling, I am not my best.  I want my children, my husband, and the people I work with to see Christ in me. This journey toward change begins with me recognizing my weakness and knowing I can’t do it alone.  It is by the power of the Holy Spirit in me that I can change.

Tip #8:  Make time for quiet moments.

My favorite time of day is the early morning before everyone wakes up.  I like to take the time to read, reflect, listen, and pray about whatever is going on in my life or the lives of the people I love most.  The better self-care we practice, the less likely we are to yell.  The yelling starts when we’re stressed and overwhelmed.  Quiet moments help us keep it in perspective and remember we’re not in it alone.  If you’d like some more tips for sneaking some quiet time into your busy schedule check out this helpful post from my friend Ally over at The Modern Mary.

Tip #9:  Know who you are and how you are uniquely created to do what no one else can do—BE YOU!

Over the years I have become more confident with who I am and how I am made.  It has been a long process of discovering the truth about who God created me to be and how much He loves me just the way I am!

Imagine how boring life would be if we didn’t have women who were fighters and were willing to yell, scream, kick and claw their way through life not just for themselves, but in service of others!  Fighting for what they believe in!

God knit me together in my mother’s womb to be ME!  I don’t have to be more like my sister, best friend, or the lady I admire at my Bible study.  The biggest job I have is to constantly ask myself who does God want me to be and how I can best fulfill HIS purpose for my life.

Tip #10:  Be kind to yourself.

This is your friendly PSA:  “You are going to make mistakes!”  Your children don’t need a perfect parent.  What they need is you!  They need you to be vulnerable.  They need you to admit when you make mistakes.  They need you to demonstrate to them how to ask forgiveness and how to work together toward success.  This isn’t all about you.  In the big scheme of things, it is so much more than that.  So take a deep breath and give yourself a break!  You’ve got this!

Relationship matters!  When you find that there is lots of yelling, take some time to slow down and focus on relationship!  Play with your kids and do the things you enjoy!  With relationship comes conflict!  It’s like I told my husband, if we are living in the same house and we never have any conflict then there is something desperately wrong!  Conflict is a necessary part of change.  It’s how you handle the conflict that matters.  It may get a little messy at times, but if you lean in, listen and allow yourself to get the help you need before long you’ll look back and be all like, “Hey I don’t yell as much as I used to!”